ASMSG Scifi Fantasy Paranormal Emagazine March 2014 | Page 5

Movies do it because their special
effects guys get bored, but there’s no
excuse for it in a novel. If your
vampires are some form of demon,
that’s great, but either keep them
possessed and looking normal or make
it a permanent transformation. The
reason vampires are fascinating and

3. Playing With Your Food
You see this in so damn many movies
and books and it just makes me want to
scream every time! A bunch of
vampires get some humans together for
dinner and, before you know it, there’s
vampires laughing with blood smeared
all over their faces, vampires tearing
open jugular veins with gleeful abandon
and spraying blood all over the wall,
and vampires wearing entrails like
Mardi Gras beads! Yes, yes, we’re
supposed to recoil at how savage and
capital-E Evil these vampires are, right?
Instead, I find myself thinking “How
pathetic!”

frightening is because they are the
monster with the human face.

4A. Everybody Was Kung-fu
Fighting
Just a quick addendum to that last bit is
another that we owe to Joss Whedon

Seriously, when’s the last time you and a
bunch of friends had dinner and poured
the soup down the front of your party
clothes? Laughed and poured gravy all
over your face? Scooped up half your
mashed potatoes and threw them
against the wall before shoving your
face to the plate to lick up the rest? If
your answer to any of these questions is
a number other than never, then please
remind me to never accept a dinner
invitation from you. Even evil people
can have table manners! When blood is
your food supply, why slop it around
like a three-year-old? Vampires can be
cruel without being sloppy and, in my
book, an elegant predator is far more
interesting and frightening. Leave the

and the Blade series. Not every damn
vampire in the world is a martial arts
expert! Outside of China and Japan,
nobody in the f***ing world knew
anything about this style of fighting
until the 20th Century! Ancient vampire
sword master: no problem. Ancient
vampire kick-boxer? No. Just no.

mindless mauling to the werewolves,
please.

2. Romeo and Juliet … Again
… and Again …
How many times do readers need to
read the same story before moving on?
The first thought that comes to mind is
Twilight, but this formula has been going
far longer than She Who Must Not Be
Named has been writing. Vampire
Romeo and Human Juliet, Werewolf
Romeo and Vampire Juliet, Werewolf
Romeo and Human Juliet, Vampire
Romeo and Vampire Juliet—it’s all
been done. Several times.

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