ASMSG Scifi Fantasy Paranormal Emagazine March 2014 - Page 11

TIPS ON SURVIVING THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE By the Writers of AMCs The Walking Dead (or some random guy who isn’t affiliated with the show at all) J.B. Cameron you do, don’t pick up those scissors and try to finish it off.Fooling those cunning dead people with your razorsharp wits is half the battle! 1. Whenever possible, be sure to travel through dark, dense forests with the noisiest, most incapable individual on the planet. Give this person a loaded gun, saving only a pocket knife for yourself. This will come in handy for digging your own grave while your companion howls in fright and ineffectually empties their magazine into the air in the face of a zombie horde. 2. Collect as many babies as you can and carry them with you at all times.A crying baby is zombie kryptonite. If babies aren’t available, then find a hair stylist who’ll give you dreadlocks. This not only makes you invisible, but unlike covering yourself in dead guts, it’s waterproof! And a baby with a dreadlock? You’re golden! 3. Zombies got you pinned down? Don’t have a molotov cocktail to throw at a wrecked car for a distraction? Try spraying some water in their faces. Zombies hate this more than cats do! 6. Never trust anyone brave enough to fight for another’s safety. Hanging around with them will only get you killed. Better to simply shoot them in the head firstand put them out of their inevitable misery, or if that’s too difficult,let a child do it for you. Most young people are refreshingly homicidal, once you take away their video games and cell phones. 4. While foraging for supplies, be sure to stock up on all those little knicknacks that you’ll find kicking around abandoned homes. Who needs weapons and ammo, when you can simply distract a zombie by tossing snowglobes at it? 5. Impressed with your ability to trap a live zombie in an enclosed space, without harming it in the slightest? Tag your victories with some butt-kicking, post-apocalyptic graffiti! But whatever 7. Always, always, always... run backwards! Everyone knows that zombies can’t get you, as long as you’re looking them in the eyes. 11 | P a g e