ASMSG Scifi Fantasy Paranormal Emagazine March 2014 | Page 11

TIPS ON SURVIVING THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
By the Writers of AMCs The Walking Dead (or some random guy who isn’t affiliated with the
show at all)
J.B. Cameron
you do, don’t pick up those scissors
and try to finish it off.Fooling those
cunning dead people with your razorsharp wits is half the battle!

1. Whenever possible, be sure to
travel through dark, dense forests
with the noisiest, most incapable
individual on the planet. Give this
person a loaded gun, saving only a
pocket knife for yourself. This will
come in handy for digging your own
grave while your companion howls in
fright and ineffectually empties their
magazine into the air in the face of a
zombie horde.

2. Collect as many babies as you
can and carry them with you at all
times.A crying baby is zombie
kryptonite. If babies aren’t available,
then find a hair stylist who’ll give you
dreadlocks. This not only makes you
invisible, but unlike covering yourself in
dead guts, it’s waterproof! And a baby
with a dreadlock? You’re golden!

3. Zombies got you pinned down?
Don’t have a molotov cocktail to
throw at a wrecked car for a
distraction? Try spraying some water
in their faces. Zombies hate this more
than cats do!

6. Never trust anyone brave
enough to fight for another’s
safety. Hanging around with them
will only get you killed. Better to
simply shoot them in the head
firstand put them out of their
inevitable misery, or if that’s too
difficult,let a child do it for you. Most
young
people
are
refreshingly
homicidal, once you take away their
video games and cell phones.

4. While foraging for supplies, be
sure to stock up on all those little
knicknacks that you’ll find kicking
around abandoned homes. Who needs
weapons and ammo, when you can
simply distract a zombie by tossing
snowglobes at it?
5. Impressed with your ability to trap
a live zombie in an enclosed space,
without harming it in the slightest? Tag
your victories with some butt-kicking,
post-apocalyptic graffiti! But whatever

7. Always, always, always... run
backwards! Everyone knows that
zombies can’t get you, as long as
you’re looking them in the eyes.

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