Artslandia at the Performance: Portland Playhouse Nov/Dec 2014 | Page 57

EVEN THE DIVE BARS
HAVE GREAT FOOD
I love this about Portland, and this is
something I tell everyone about. You
can go into any dive bar in Portland —
a hole-in-the-wall with a 50 cent beer
night — and still order paella that’s the
best you’ve ever had in your life.

ONE BIG YURT
You’ll think the whole city is one
big yurt community, and then suddenly
you meet some Mitt Romney type and
realize you’re still in Oregon. It’s always
surprising when one slips in. There’s a
blowout bar in the Pearl now. When I saw
that I thought, “Oh snap, Portland is
being infiltrated by people who
like to brush their hair.”

OPEN RELATIONSHIPS
EVERYWHERE
When I was married and mentioned my
husband people in Portland would say,
“I see you’re very obsessed with labels.
How’s that label obsession going for
you?” The open relationship thing is
everywhere. Last time I was in Portland
this girl who worked in the theater mentioned she’d had a bad day because she’d
gone through some breakups. I thought
she meant that she’d broken up with
her boyfriend, and maybe her therapist,
but she meant her boyfriends. What is
it called when you want to [sleep with]
everybody, but you want to be hippie
about it, so you give it a different title?
Polyamorous. I may consider becoming
polyamorous now that I’ve found out it’s
so easy to treat chlamydia.

NO NEED TO
BRUSH YOUR HAIR
I’m not big on hair
brushing myself. I don’t
blow my hair out or any of the
ridiculous stuff that some girls in
some lands do. Sometimes I feel
like if I put on lipstick in Portland,
people will say, “Oh look at you. It’s
the prostitute going to the prom.”
I feel like I shouldn’t get overly
dressed up in Portland. I don’t want
to wear heels because people will
think I’m trying to steal their
man. But I guess that’s actually
okay in Portland, because
everyone is in an open
relationship.

DIVERSITY
When I meet somebody
who’s Jewish in Portland,
I’m always like, “Oh there
you are! I was wondering
where you were.” Same
with black folks. Which is
awful, but anytime I meet
anybody who’s not white,
I’m always like, “Geez, tell
me your tale. What’s it
like?” Because it seems like
they’d have some stories to
tell, and they usually do.

PORTLANDERS DON’T FAKE IT

THE COMMUNITY
THING IS NO JOKE
I’ve never been in a city where people
are so open and welcoming. I’ve been invited
to visit someone’s house who was raising bees;
to paint a mural in someone’s cul-de-sac; to do
the pizza oven thing in someone’s backyard. The
community thing is no joke in Portland. In LA, I’ve
lived in the same apartment building for 11 years
and still when I say hi to people, it’s an option if
they say hi back.

People aren’t going to say they’re in a good mood if they aren’t in
a good mood. Whole Foods has a bulletin board for complaints
and suggestions, and somebody wrote that he was tired of all the
cashiers asking him how he was doing, because it’s none of their
business, it sounds like they’re told to say that, and he doesn’t
need the fake customer service. He just wants people to talk to
him like he’s a person. People will let you know how they really
feel in Portland. They don’t fake it, which is good.

Catch Lauren Weedman in The People’s
Republic of Portland at Portland Center
Stage. March 21–April 1 丁