Art of Dying Volume II - Page 20

GARTH CALLAGHAN I think that I knew that I couldn't win because winning meant no cancer. It impacted me in such a way that I avoided participation in life. I was that way for a few months. I thought that I was doing an okay job hiding it. There was this part of me, this outward part of me, that on the surface looked okay and looked like, "Hey I'm a survivor." Inwardly I was not. I decided I was going to allow myself to have a pity party and feel sorry for myself for one-third of a day each week. The other six and two-thirds days I needed to buck up and be a good husband and father. One Sunday afternoon or one Thursday morning or whenever it was, I could sit around the house or stay under the blanket or whatever. What's really interesting is by giving myself permission to feel self-pity I actually found that I didn't need to. I think I only did it once and after that I was like, "Oh you know what? If I'm feeling bad for myself I'm going to allow myself to feel bad but I'm not going to shroud myself in this self pity and wear it like a badge of honor." I really was able to dig myself out of that darkness. It hasn't been easy and I certainly don't want to come off as being overly simplistic. We are bou bodies fo amount We are for the most part bound to our bodies for a short amount of time. I have a very firm belief that whatever makes us us, our soul, exists without a sense of time, per se. This helps me to endure some of the physical challenges that I have. I am transformed. I resisted it for a long time. I was angry. Now I've come to look at this as, "Okay. Here is in fact where we are, we can only live in one direction in terms of time and that's forward. How do I best do that?" Frankly, how do I best do it to make sure that I'm being a good example to my daughter so that at some point in the future, whether it's next week or 40 years from now, she can look back and say, "You know my dad never gave up. My dad persisted. My dad decided that he was going to get into the game despite all of the challenges that he had.” I am incredibly average. I am the most boring person that I know. I believe in my heart that anybody who was put into the same situation has it within themselves to do exactly what I've done and face life and death in the way I have. The only difference could be that I am open 20 | ART OF DYING JOHN WADSWORTH to sharing our story and to being public about it. I got lucky in a couple of ways and had a family that supported me and a priest that supported me and doctors that supported me. I made a couple of good choices and we were off to the races. I do not hold back. I put it all out on the line. I talk about