I Regret C
9 8 M A Y 2 014 / ARIES
Me and my mom are really close.
She loves me incredibly much and
I am an only child. However, she
is from a different generation and
culture where homosexuality wasn’t
open. I assume mom would be the
one that would take the news better
than my dad, who I still have to tell.
I think they always suspected something. I never really was a happy
kid, especially now. Also, I did not
have a girlfriend in my teens, besides
two short 1 week relationships that I
called off.
So I told her and her first
reaction was “No way.” She was
clearly going through denial. She
made me feel filth and asked me
about each sexual preference. If I
am sure. That I can’t be. She was
going through denial- BIG TIME.
Every time I pointed out that I did
something gay, she would just refuse
it and point out my puppy love with
girls. For example, I said that I never
had a girlfriend, and she quickly
pointed out that “how do I know that
I am gay if I was never in a relationship with a woman ?” Worst flawed
logic ever. She also said that I made
a mistake telling my friends since
I’m not sure.
However, she told me she
loved me. That I am her child no
matter what. I also told her that I
considered suicide and that broke her
heart. She said I should have told her
years ago to spare myself the pain
(but I suspect that also she thought
she would have had a chance to
change me).
She pointed everything risky
for being gay. Although I admit there
is some truth to it, she imagines a
dark risky lifestyle. She is scared that
I would get disease. That people will
prejudice against me (despite telling
her that ALL my friends that I told
were ok with it). That I wouldn’t find
a faithful partner, etc.
These conversations carried
like a loop. Over and over again
until midnight. You can only explain
to one person that being gay is not
a choice so many times. I also told
her in the near future nothing would
change, and if she would want me to
be celibate - that I would.
We went to sleep, but neither
of us could. Her second last words
were” promise me you won’t jump
into something head first”. Her last
words were “Promise me you won’t
hurt yourself”. I spent several hours
listening to music. She said she was
awake for several hours.
Morning came. Her voice is
very soft, and my dad can see she
is sick. I talked with my mom for a
little. Mostly about the same things.
She now believes that I am gay, and
apologized to me (whoa...)for having
me go through so much hardship.
Unfortunately, she still hopes for a
miracle that I will change.
I also managed to explain that this is
a preference, like your favorite color,
rather than an obsession. She said
that now she gets it.
She also said that she is very
scared for my future, despite me
telling her that I would not do this if
I wouldn’t have a future that I enjoy.
She hugged me so many
times during this difficult period.
I regret coming out not because of
the outcome - but because I caused
her so much pain. She said that she
needs time to digest this information,
but also hopes that I would change.
She brought almost every argument
in the book with the exception of
religious ones.