within 48 hours of receiving it, leaving me to pay all the rent and then
provide food for us for a fortnight
– impossible and it meant instant
poverty. As a “solution”, Anthony
put me in control of his finances but
it was only a licence for him to be as
irresponsible as he liked and simply
demand more money whenever he
wanted it. Of course, refusing because the rent needed to be paid for
example, was a dangerous move.
On top of all of this, he would also
frequently get me to do his work
for him. It wasn’t uncommon for
me to be producing his reports until
all hours of the morning while he
watched TV. I had given up on my
life ever being enjoyable again. My
whole sense of individual identity
was gone and I felt as though I barely existed.
A lesbian friend from the
previous city I lived in sent me a
book about SM sub-cultures (one of
her favourite things) that contained
a chapter on the difference between
an SM relationship and domestic
violence. There was a checklist of
questions to ask yourself to determine whether you were in
an abusive
rela-
tionship and when I found I was
answering yes to almost everything,
a crack appeared in the brainwashing
and manipulation that had filled my
head. I suddenly realised that I had
to accept that I was in a domestic
violence relationship.
I took the grand leap of
confiding in someone I worked with
about my situation and one afternoon, after Anthony threatened to
“break both my legs” when I got
home that night, this colleague generously lent me his spare room for
a week while I “disappeared” from
my home. During that week I found
a new place to live and, with a Gay
and Lesbian Police Liaison Officer,
I went to pick up my belongings and
left.
A new phase of harassment
and stalking that included a wide
range of manipulations and threats
(ranging from “Come back - I’ve
changed!” to “If you have sex with
another man I’ll kill you and him”)
followed.I decided to move to another city again and start a new life. It’s
taken a long time to feel confident
about having sex again and the idea
of getting emotionally close to someone is still shaky. I still
feel wounded. But
I’ve learnt some
really important
lessons about
violence and
the difference
between control
and love and I’m
slowly working
off the debt I left
the relationship
with. Day by day, I
am rediscovering who
I am. The most important thing for me now is
that I am safe, I control
my own life and I don’t
live each day terrified of
going home.
ARIES / M A Y 2 014 91