Recognize the Signs
The first step is to recognize the fact
that you are in an abusive relationship.
Denial is a strong force that can keep us
in toxic situations far longer than is safe
or necessary. You may feel that your
partner is an overbearing jerk, but he’s
not that bad. Until you acknowledge
the behavior as abusive, you won’t be
motivated to take action.
Disengage
Before preparing to leave your abusive
partner, you need to regain some of
your power. First of all don’t announce
that you are leaving him. It will only
make your situation escalate or he will
act like the perfect partner for a while
until he begins abusing you again.
However, you can stop the pattern of:
abuse, guilt, excuses, normal behavior, fantasy, set-up then back to abuse.
Instead disengage when he tries to bait
you into an argument.
60%
of gay men in abusive relationships
report making three
or more significant
attempts to leave
before being
able to escape the
relationship (Merrill
and Wolfe, 2000).
Pack a SHTF Bag
You want to have an emergency bag
already packed and hidden in case the
shit hits the fan and you need to get out
in a hurry. Have clothes packed, some
but not all of your money, a key to the
car and a spare cell phone. If you fear
for your life and need to leave the house
in a moment’s notice, you want to be
prepared.
Have a Place to Go
Know where you will be going when
you leave. This may seem like an
obvious thing, but when you are in the
moment it may be difficult to think.
You also don’t want to worry people
involved in helping you if they find
that you’re not at home or if they get a
call from your soon-to-be-ex. If you’re
planning to stay with a friend or family
member, make sure you have a key to
their home. If you are leaving during an
emergency situation, you’ll need a way
to get inside if they aren’t home.
Secretly Save Money
If your abusive partner controls finances, this can be difficult but not
impossible. Get a post office box that
any mail from the bank can use to send
statements. If you don’t set up a secret
account, find a place away from the
house to hide your money. A few alternate places are a locker at work, with
a trusted friend or a safe deposit box.
If you receive your paycheck through
direct deposit, have some of it go into a
different account.
Get Help
Many men stay in abusive relationships
because they are too embarrassed to tell
their friends and family. If their partner acts like Mr. Perfect when he’s in
public, they may feel that no one will
believe them. Although your family and
friends love you, you may have trouble
believing it if you’ve been emotionally
beaten down. You can also find help
through online sites or local women’s
shelters. This is not something you have
to go through alone.
Call for Back-up
If all goes according to plan and you
have movers reserved to move your
things, let the police know ahead of
time. They will be there to make sure
there isn’t any trouble. If your abusive
partner somehow finds out, and shows
up to stop you (which is illegal) it
will be a good idea to have the police
already there.
Get a Restraining Order
Once you have left him, get a restraining order. You want to have documentation in place to be able to have him
easily removed when he starts harassing
you. Remember that this is not the time
to feel relaxed. This is the most dangerous time. If he doesn’t come at you
with escalated anger, he will come to
you with hearts and flowers. They are
equally dangerous. If he doesn’t harm
you now he will harm you later if you
choose to take him back. So, do what
you can to cut all contact with him.
ARIES / M A Y 2 014 89