The couch dipped beside me as Mom sunk into it with a sigh, running a tired hand through her hair. I leaned into her side the way I always used to before she got deployed on her co-ops missions.
“You wouldn’t believe how often I reached for my phone to call you when I got a lead.” She shook her head, smiling sadly to herself. “I always got my flipping alerts at the worst times.”
I couldn’t help but stare. How’d she know…?
I didn’t try to hide my surprise, so Mom didn’t need to do much else besides look to guess what I was thinking. “I’m sorry you were so lonely, honey. I didn’t mean to be gone so long. I was just planning for it to be a quick recon and assess, but… it got a bit complicated,” she offered me her hand, and I took it, realizing what she meant as her sad smile returned. “Sometimes your eyes tell much more than the mouth can ever say, honey.”
I knew there was no point in lying to her. She always knew. I rubbed my bare forearm and buried myself deeper into her side, hoping for some reason that she wouldn’t hear me, even though that was, at the same time, exactly what I wanted. “I hated that you were gone for so long.”
“Mari…” she shifted a bit, probably to make me face her, but I continued.
“I hated that you were gone for, not even months, but years on end! I’m sick of being told, ‘Oh, she’ll be back soon’ and worthless sentiments like that, because— because— I-I’m— I don’t even know if you’re coming back alive…” I trailed off, turning around so that my back was to her. I was okay with telling her how I felt, but showing her? I didn’t want her to see me so rattled about her absence, which was already to the point that I was actually, physically shaking, my scared expression as I waited for her to say something.
But Mom was silent. For a woman renowned for her eloquence in rallying commonfolk to have hope, she didn’t have anything to say. But what could I expect her to say? She loved her work and she helped people, but she would just drop everything and quit to live with me, raise me in the way I thought I had needed? My mind thought back to Con’s words again, and I grimaced.
I really am selfish. I can’t do this to her.
But I wanted to. I really, really wanted to. I just… I wanted things back to the way they were when I was younger, when we were still together— just a mom and her daughter against the world.
I hugged the pillow to my chest and curled into it, wishing the barrier between us didn’t exist. This separation, inability to communicate— I couldn’t bear the thought of this being how our relationship would be for the rest of our lives. I couldn’t bear the thought of my mom having to go through her life metaphorically alone.
And so I whipped around again and hugged her tightly, wrapping my arms around her and clinging like a child would. I gripped her shirt and let out shaky breaths as she hesitantly hugged back, then began combing her fingers through my hair.
Even if she couldn’t tell me what she thought, this moment, right here, was enough for me.
She Always Knew
Isabel Yabes, 9