This Is My Mother’s House
by Janet T. Lijerón
A daughter, caregiver of her retired parents, visits them daily and notices
the changes dementia causes in her mother’s behavior.
I watch my mother looking
out her window.
She stares at something I can’t see. I’m kind of a meal on wheels for
my parents, but I don’t mind.
She did a lifetime of cooking for me. I have glimpses of the woman hiding
behind blank eyes.
Her personality was always lively.
She stands, leaning her elbow
on the kitchen sink.
I notice more stands of gray in her hair. I might happen to mention that
a certain pan is mine.
“It isn’t and this is my house.” We still manicure our nails together,
though not talking much.
It’s almost the way we used to be.
She’s petite, my mother is,
but only in stature.
Her love of family reaches to the heavens. She balks at bathing and hair styling
and getting dressed.
They are normal reactions of dementia. She watches out her kitchen window
such a long time.
I’ll ask her to sit and rest.
Faith and strength explain how she
battled breast cancer.
She doesn’t talk about it now. Going to church on Sundays means
starting three hours early.
She’ll say she doesn’t need a bath. Her response is that she’s not tired
and “It’s my kitchen.”
She’ll do what she wants in her house.
What does she look at
outside her window?
There’s very little we have in common. Carefully the clothes are put on and
the shoes are matched.
She warms to the transformation. Is it her urge for independence that
manifests itself this way?
I experience this as I try to cope.
I cook the meals and take them home
to her and daddy.
She presides over her kitchen as always. I see how dementia is taking over
Sometimes she chooses
my mother and her life.
the earrings and scarves.
Perhaps she recognizes the familiar sequence. God gives her back in heartfelt moments.
She doesn’t remember where things are
if I leave my pots and dishes.
So I pack them up each day after delivery. Then she walks into the church all gussied up
and acts like she owns it.
That’s the mother I want to remember.
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Adviser a publication of LeadingAge New York | Spring 2017