OUR EDITOR , ON WORDS
When that didn ’ t happen ( I ’ m two human years away !!), I began to look for ways to join the human race . I bounced from job to job hoping to find the answers to my questions in spreadsheets and timestamps .
I studied to become a psychotherapist so I ’ d have even more tools to analyze the recesses of my mind that were becoming more and more confused by the humanity I was observing . I explored sexuality with a boy or two who I thought loved me , with a few choice men I loved and with an even smaller list of men I barely knew .
And yet , I still didn ’ t feel fully human .
By the time I rolled into my 30s ( huge sigh of existential 20s relief ), I figured the best way to solve my human dilemma was to forget about it altogether . I ’ d explore spiritualty to its fullest while divorcing myself as best as possible from the need to understand my humanness .
In many ways , Adhara exists as an attempt to dive into the deep end of metaphysical thought and selfdevelopment . During its creation , I ’ ve had tarot reading after energy healing after tantric numerology session that reveals the same , I ’ m destined to be challenged by being human .
Recently , in the wake of learning about a new selfdevelopment paradigm called Human Design , I learned that I possess a type of human that I share with a rare 1 % of the population , and this type , not at all ironically , is the least human of all , present on the planet with a sole purpose of reflecting the human experience back onto the people around me .
Hi , I ’ m Alaina , the mirror you didn ’ t pick up but can ’ t put down .
At the end of my session with my chiropractor , she sent me home with the homework ( my favorite !) to identify 3-6 things that are great about being human . Sex , obviously . Well , really good sex . Kissing . Well , really good kissing . Really good chocolate . A really good , deep couch . You get the drill .
And yet , even these are not my favorite part of being alive . There is something far better . Crying .
The best present I ’ ve ever given myself , after years of books on Amazon , brand new pots for my house , and those rare pieces of artwork that I had to have , for my 32nd birthday , I gave myself permission to cry . And not just a tear up from a hallmark card cry , but tears that come from so deep within , I discover new recesses of my own heart each time they pour down my cheeks .
Crying just feels .... no adjective needed because feeling alive , to me , is the feeling of feeling . We live in a world where it can be so easy to numb out to the noise around us and in my case , to read and explore and continue the never-ending search for the answers that are ultimately within and more often than not , at the end of a hugely cathartic crying session .
Have you seen the YouTube videos of baby Ethan giggling over his father ripping paper ? Pure joy . In my experience , I am the baby , the father , the paper , the carpet he topples over on , and yet , still me ; the simultaneous observer and experiencer .
That ’ s feeling alive - when my heart opens up to the size of our universe , as if that could ever be enough .
Adhara Catalogue | Winter 2017 29