Abington High School Student Arts Magazine 2017-2018 | Page 80

Oh no! A tragedy has fallen upon us! Your presumably average looking, typical teenage boyfriend is GONE. He’s not gone in the sense of being lost or missing, but you probably wish he was, as it would be better than the reality. Nope, Joseph Shmoseph is out of your life, and whether it was your choice, his, or a “mutual breakup”, it certainly doesn’t look like he’s coming back anytime soon. Heavens! Whatever shall you do? Fear not, dear reader, for the solution lies ahead! Here are three simple, 100% effective tactics that will have the love of your life running back to you in no time.

Method One: The stalker method. Begin this process by simply being everywhere. If you and what’s-his-face go to the same school, lucky you! This won’t be much of a challenge. Walk him to every class possible, and then some. Take him to school, escort him to lunch, go to every single one of his sports practices and games, and make it known to everyone that you’re doing so. Why? The answer is vivid as day. If you cling onto Average Joe at every possible moment, he will obviously be so enveloped in your presence that he’ll just have to love you again! He'll have no one else even near him to fall in love with!

If you don't have the lovely opportunity to be by his side every day, there is still hope. All you need is a phone, along with the ability to type so much that your fingers fall off. Text him. Text him again, and again, and again. Tell him how badly you miss him. Remind him of all the good - no, fantastic times you had together. Send him love songs and ask, “Doesn't this remind you of us??” He's sure to say yes. Not only will he say yes, he'll also have a meaningful speculation with himself, reminiscing about the past, and he'll realize that you both are truly meant to be, as all high school couples certainly are.

If by some unfortunate circumstance Method One fails, or if persistent annoyance just isn't your thing, there's always Method Two: Consistent degradation. You might wonder, wouldn't that be a bit counterproductive? Won't insulting your infallible, remarkable, (ex)boyfriend only push him away more? Ah, the wonders of reverse psychology. You see, dear hopeless reader, by making Joe Blow think you so intensely dislike him, he'll realize how much he truly wants you to not dislike him, and he'll do anything, anything to get you back. So, have at it. Make fun of his insecurities. Call him the rudest name you can come up with. Whether it’s in person, or by using your handy mobile phone, insulting him may just be exactly what you need to get him back.

BRING YOUR BO