A Steampunk Guide to Hunting Monsters 19 | Page 14

top of poor Aunt and Uncle, straight over
to the banquet table where we began to roll
about most violently. Why does it seem that
I am ever sprawling on top of men during
my adventures? One would think I had been
raised with improper morals! He pried the
stake out of my hand, and so I immediately
grabbed some garlic bread in one hand and
garlic potatoes in the other and tried to mash
them into his pale face. Th is slackened his grip
and I rolled off the table and I ran to Percy,
taking his hand.
Th e vampire was close upon our heels. "I
have read about vampires in a book..." Mr.
Longville said, panting. A book. Yes. He was
once again talking about books and factoids in
the middle of fl eeing an attacker. I cannot...
just impossible!
"We must get to the silver!"
Percy and I began tossing our silver
wedding ornaments at the vampire, who
kept ducking and smacking them out of the
air. I threw a silver pitcher, Percy threw a
candlestick, but it seems they had the same
eff ect as tossing hot coals at us would have
had. Unless he were immersed, there seemed
little point in continuing.
I grabbed the largest crucifi x I could, Our
Lord and Savior still fi rmly attached, and
charged at the vampire. He caught the cross
in his hands through refl ex and the cross burst
into fl ames! He managed to take hold of me
and wrap my veil around the cross, throwing
me over.
Percy slashed at him with his sword, but
the vampire was unafraid of being cut. He
held the blade with his hand and tore it away.
Gowrie seized upon Percy, clawing at his
breastplate, moving in to bite his long and
beautiful neck!
I was not spent yet. I pulled away from
my entanglement, grabbed ahold of my fall-
en bouquet from the fl oor and smashed the
vampire over the head with it. Th e rose petals
caused his skin to sting and burn as if he had
been doused in boiling water!
His skin cracked and peeled. I am quite
taken aback by my actions then, for I
ventured quite near his teeth, grabbing his
jaw and shoving the wild roses and hawthorn
into his throat!
Th e vampire began to turn even more pale
than he already was! His veins turned black
as he stumbled towards the French Door!
Suddenly, a light broke through the sky,
shining brightly through the window behind
him. His shadow moved independently from
his body, releasing our friends and fl eeing.
I took Percy's hand, he took mine, and
together as man and wife we barreled into that
monster, knocking him through the balcony
door and into the bright, beaming sun.
"It is too bright!" he choked, and cracked, and
then seemed to burst into a magical sparkling
dust, which fl oated away on the breeze!
Percy and I waited a moment, and when
nothing else seemed like it was going to
happen, we turned back to see the wreckage
of our wedding. Pews overturned, banquet
destroyed, a little portion on the left burning,
people struggling to their feet. It was quite a
shambles, and would no doubt go down in
history as one of the most outrageous weddings
ever beheld.
We sat down together on a bench to watch
Brunhilde throw a vase full of fl owers and
water on the fi re to drench it.
"Well," said Percy Longville. "Here we are,
safe at last, Miss Dashwood."
"Oh, please," I said, gently correcting him
with a smile. "Do call me Missus."
T HE E ND