A Steampunk Guide to Hunting Monsters 19 - Page 14

top of poor Aunt and Uncle, straight over to the banquet table where we began to roll about most violently. Why does it seem that I am ever sprawling on top of men during my adventures? One would think I had been raised with improper morals! He pried the stake out of my hand, and so I immediately grabbed some garlic bread in one hand and garlic potatoes in the other and tried to mash them into his pale face. Th is slackened his grip and I rolled off the table and I ran to Percy, taking his hand. Th e vampire was close upon our heels. "I have read about vampires in a book..." Mr. Longville said, panting. A book. Yes. He was once again talking about books and factoids in the middle of fl eeing an attacker. I cannot... just impossible! "We must get to the silver!" Percy and I began tossing our silver wedding ornaments at the vampire, who kept ducking and smacking them out of the air. I threw a silver pitcher, Percy threw a candlestick, but it seems they had the same eff ect as tossing hot coals at us would have had. Unless he were immersed, there seemed little point in continuing. I grabbed the largest crucifi x I could, Our Lord and Savior still fi rmly attached, and charged at the vampire. He caught the cross in his hands through refl ex and the cross burst into fl ames! He managed to take hold of me and wrap my veil around the cross, throwing me over. Percy slashed at him with his sword, but the vampire was unafraid of being cut. He held the blade with his hand and tore it away. Gowrie seized upon Percy, clawing at his breastplate, moving in to bite his long and beautiful neck! I was not spent yet. I pulled away from my entanglement, grabbed ahold of my fall- en bouquet from the fl oor and smashed the vampire over the head with it. Th e rose petals caused his skin to sting and burn as if he had been doused in boiling water! His skin cracked and peeled. I am quite taken aback by my actions then, for I ventured quite near his teeth, grabbing his jaw and shoving the wild roses and hawthorn into his throat! Th e vampire began to turn even more pale than he already was! His veins turned black as he stumbled towards the French Door! Suddenly, a light broke through the sky, shining brightly through the window behind him. His shadow moved independently from his body, releasing our friends and fl eeing. I took Percy's hand, he took mine, and together as man and wife we barreled into that monster, knocking him through the balcony door and into the bright, beaming sun. "It is too bright!" he choked, and cracked, and then seemed to burst into a magical sparkling dust, which fl oated away on the breeze! Percy and I waited a moment, and when nothing else seemed like it was going to happen, we turned back to see the wreckage of our wedding. Pews overturned, banquet destroyed, a little portion on the left burning, people struggling to their feet. It was quite a shambles, and would no doubt go down in history as one of the most outrageous weddings ever beheld. We sat down together on a bench to watch Brunhilde throw a vase full of fl owers and water on the fi re to drench it. "Well," said Percy Longville. "Here we are, safe at last, Miss Dashwood." "Oh, please," I said, gently correcting him with a smile. "Do call me Missus." T HE E ND