365ink #289 April 20–May 3, 2017 - Page 40

COLUMnIsts  w Gwen Werner’s w Good Advice DEAR GWEn, My sister can’t fi gure out how to quit smoking. She has tried everything: the patch, the gum, therapy, hypnosis. I want to help, but I’m not sure how. Any ideas? —Sincerely, Helpless DEAR HELPLEss, It sounds like what your sister needs is a sense of urgency. I’m sure she under- stands that she’s slowly killing herself, at least intellectually, so maybe what you do is make the threat a little more imminent. Now, I’m not telling you to light her on fi re, except that’s exactly what I’m telling you to do. Light the woman on fi re. Her life will fl ash before her eyes, just like the movies, and I’m not promis- ing it will make her quit smoking, but I promise it’ll make her quit smoking. —xoxo Gwen DEAR GWEn, My best friend from childhood is get- ting married. The bachelor party is in Chicago, and honestly, I really don’t feel like taking off work for it. The rest of the bridal party is mostly dudes he met in college, dudes I don’t really know, and it just seems like a huge inconvenience. I don’t want to let him down, but I don’t know if I can handle a night out with the bros. How do I tell him I’m staying home? —Yours, Ugh DEAR UGH, Here’s how you tell him: you don’t. Life and love are all about subtlety. Omg. Write that down! That was pretty good! Between now and the bachelor party, I want you to do a few things: fi rst of all, you should get involved with a pyramid scheme like selling knives or supple- ments or yoga pants. Share posts about whatever scheme you choose multiple times a day on all of your social media. If you’re feeling aggressive, share these things directly onto the groom’s wall, or in a message to a huge group of people, most of whom will “leave the conversation.” Ooh, even better… make it a group message fi lled with exclusively chatty aunts and ask them questions about laundry or embroi- dery or mid-priced chain restaurants. Get really into something like vegan- ism or CrossFit. Something that sucks. Better yet, join a cult. Try to get the groom to join. Call him every few days to see if he’s “put any more thought into it.” Buy and start exclusively wearing tie dye or Hawaiian shirts. Take pictures of yourself in them and post them in the bridal party Facebook group and ask questions like, “Which of these would look better in the strip club?” Call his mother pretending to be him. Call him pretending to be his mother. Start a non-profi t for something horrible, like, making sure babies are hungry. Make it very clear you started the company because you’re so passionate about “the issues.” Collect receipts for anything and everything you buy. Every few days, send them in a wad to his house with a note telling him you expect reimburse- ment. If he calls you and questions it, speak Spanish. If you don’t speak Span- ish, pretend you can speak Spanish. Start sending the bride late-night texts saying things like, “Hey” or “You up?” or the winky face emoji. I guarantee that by using at least all of these techniques, you will not only get out of the bachelor party, you’ll get out of the wedding. And the friendship. —xoxo Gwen PUZZLE AnsWERs GENERAL BOB IS AT CATFISH CHARLIE’S 42  COluMnists 365INK MAGAZINE April 20–MAy 3, 2017 issuE #289 DUBUQUE365.COM