Be generous in expressing your gratitude
for those who are there in your absence.
Acknowledge that they care. Acknowledge
their contribution and their sacrifi ces.
Seek to understand the process.
Some care recipients, like my brother,
are very lucid. He wanted tests done
because he wanted to understand his
medical condition. Before you say “no
tests” because a loved one may be fac-
ing a terminal illness, talk to him or
her. Remember whose voice should be
heard and whose needs must be met.
If we’re not doctors, it’s not our place
to give uninformed diagnoses. When a
care recipient wants certain procedures,
unless they’ve been declared mentally in-
competent, they have certain rights under
the law. Their wishes are paramount.
To advise the caregiver to “let go”
is not helpful. What do you mean? In
this case, it’s you who needs to provide
details. Suggesting that your loved one
should be taken off a feeding tube or pain
medication could increase their suffering,
which would be inhumane. It’s essential
to understand the process. Doctors talk
with and assess their patients and per-
form tests before providing a diagnosis.
If a patient’s condition changes, a doctor
may consult with other specialists and
perform more tests before adjusting the
plan of care. The same holds true in
palliative care, when the goal is simply
to keep the patient as comfortable as
possible. Tests help doctors decide on a
new course of treatment, or a change in
medication if the previous approach no
longer works. Suggesting that a caregiver
“let go” warrants thought and caution!
Seek fi rst to understand. Don’t make
assumptions. Those who set aside their
own lives and needs to care for some-
one you and they both love, may be
struggling with the demands of it all.
To help, be supportive, trusting, and
respectful. Take ownership of your
decision not to be there. If you feel guilty,
accept it, and don’t let guilt cloud your
judgment. Sending money helps pay the
bills but it’s no substitute for love. Show
that you care about the caregiver by
calling. Ask them how things are going
and listen as they share the details. Then
you can be more understanding even if
you can’t be there.
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