the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
Midlife: “It’s time!”
“I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hand upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing
around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate
and getting hurt -has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts…Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures
ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and
daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
Brene Brown
T
here’s that point, after you’ve
done the adult thing for a while,
when a growing awareness comes
into focus that you aren’t going to live
forever. Exactly when, why or how,
varies from one person to the next, but
the rude reality that you are a mere
mortal, hits. The sense that time is a
limitless open road ahead of you gives
way to the truth that there is a finite
amount of time left. It begs the question,
“What do you want to do with it?”
Brene Brown is a researcher who has
done work around shame (that sense
of condemnation from the inside that
makes you feel broken and unworthy
of acceptance). Shame keeps you afraid
of putting yourself out there for fear of
being rejected. Brown’s research shows
that the more you can accept those flaws
and resist the pattern of giving other
people the power to define your value,
the healthier you’ll be.
While there are multiple
developmental stages in adulthood, the
one that happens in midlife is the one
that’s gotten all the bad press. It’s the
one where an apparently stable person
goes off the deep end and does irrational
things. There doesn’t have to be such
a volatile reaction to this new level of
awareness. In fact, as in the Brown
quote, it’s an incredible opportunity to
examine what’s important to you and do
it courageously.
It can be helpful to imagine yourself
at the end of your life. What do you
expect you’ll be proud of? Are there
things you’ll have regrets about? What
is important from that perspective?
Erik Erikson named this stage of life
“Wisdom: Integrity versus Despair.”
Trust me. Despair is brutal. The midlife
transition is the opportunity to avoid
that experience in the later years, when
there’s so little time to make a change.
Midlife is the time for you to make
changes and to hit your stride.
If you truly take up the challenge of
self-examination during midlife, it may
be painful; you may see things you’ve
handled badly, or how your fear of
failure has kept you from really stepping
up. But it can also be incredibly
freeing when you realize that coping
mechanisms were generated at some
point in your life (for a reason) but
don’t fit anymore. In fact, they’ve been
stifling. You’re an adult now. Wisdom,
experience, autonomy, the legal right to
make a decision for yourself all put you
in a different place than you used to be.
Now IS the time. Use all that good stuff
to live your life well !!!
Do an honest personal inventory
about where you are in life (strengths
and weaknesses) versus where you want
to be. Acknowledge the fact that your
experience has taught you some things.
Trust that more. Realize that others have
their own struggles and aren’t the ones
who have the right, or the power, to
define you. Examine what’s important
to you at this point. Take your health;
body, mind and spirit more seriously.
It’s okay to rearrange your priorities.
The stereotyped decision to buy the
sports car and trade your spouse for a
newer model likely comes when there
hasn’t been enough reflection and
honesty about things that have needed
attention previously.
Aging gracefully is an art. It allows
you to accept yourself as you change
and frees you to make a difference using
your acquired wisdom and experience.
You’ve been down the road of worrying
about what other people think as a
guide in your decisions. My guess is
it left you feeling more anxious than
satisfied. Give yourself the freedom
to live your life by respecting yourself
more. I think you’ll find yourself feeling
satisfaction with a life well lived.
Vicki Minerva has lived
and worked in the
South County area as
a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35
years. Her education
includes a M.Div. degree
from Fuller Seminary and
a M.A. in Marriage,
Family Counseling from
Santa Clara University.
You can contact her at
408.848.8793 or visit
vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
JULY/AUGUST 2017
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