the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
Grief is Unavoidable!
E
veryone experiences loss along
life’s path. That loss may be the
death of a loved one, divorce,
the loss of a job, a friendship, health
changes for yourself or someone close
to you, a move. Even good changes can
potentially be a loss with the transition
from what was familiar, to something
new. Identifying it as a loss can help to
make sense of what you’re feeling.
The form your grief takes is unique
to you, and the relationship you had to
that which you’ve lost. The intensity and
duration of your grief is also unique to
you, but should gradually lessen over
time. There are common things that you
might experience:
• Sadness, feeling empty, despair
• Shock or disbelief that your loss
has occurred
• Anger at yourself, others, God
• Guilt, regrets about something you
did or didn’t do or say
• Fear or anxiety about the future
• Physical symptoms (aches and pains,
fatigue, weight change, insomnia)
Grief is not the same thing as
depression. It’s a NORMAL response
to your loss. It can, however, become
depression or complicated grief. If the
intensity of your grief does not decrease
as time passes, you have suicidal
thoughts, feelings of worthlessness,
inability to function in the day to day,
have extreme anger or guilt—these may
indicate that you’re having a difficult
time with healing and should consult
with someone to help you make your
way through the process.
The sting of grief can echo over time
as the wave of secondary losses begin to
become apparent. Things like losing a
support system when you change jobs,
or your identity as a married person
after a divorce. I remember one woman’s
sadness as she neared the end of the last
bottle of perfume her husband had pur-
chased for her. It was a tangible thing
that made her feel connected to him
which hit her again when it was gone.
Birthdays, holidays and special events
will perhaps always have the shadow of
your loss in the background. Your grief
may also be about the dreams you had
for your future; landmarks you would
have celebrated with a child as he or she
grew up, the anticipated vacation you’d
take as a family which you can’t afford
after a job loss, or the phone call you
can’t make.
It’s important that you take care of
yourself to promote healing. It’s as if you
have a wound that needs to be tended.
As mentioned earlier, acknowledging
your pain and identifying it as loss is
an important first step. Even if you
must function and “be strong” in some
settings, honesty with yourself in quiet
moments, and with safe people, is an
important part of being able to work
through it. I’m not suggesting that you
need to be completely transparent with
everyone, everywhere. You can choose
with whom you share your pain, and in
which setting you do it. Not everyone
is safe.
Turn to those safe people. Let
them provide meals, or support you
by doing practical things. Those that
can emotionally help by being a good
listener without judgement become
invaluable. They help by standing
with you as you express your sadness
and fear at a time when you feel alone
and broken. Their presence can bring
comfort and hope.
It’s also ok to let people know when
you need time to yourself. The work of
grieving is exhausting so don’t expect
yourself to keep up with your previous
levels of involvement. You can choose
who you have the energy and emotional
need to connect with and/or stay away
from. The one warning I’d offer is to not
isolate and cut yourself off from all your
support systems. Too much aloneness
isn’t a good thing.
Understand that grieving can vary
in its duration from months to two
years or more. There is no normal.
In my experience, some losses such
as the death of a child, or death by
suicide or violence, leave a perma-
nent hole. It doesn’t mean that you
can’t live a productive and satisfying
life, but it changes you. These may
be circumstances where the help of
a support group or professional is
particularly helpful to avoid moving
into depression.
Remember that it won’t always feel
this way. The lows won’t be as deep and
they won’t hit as often. Maintain some rou-
tines; it’s comforting to realize that some
things stay predictable. If you don’t find
yourself having better days as time goes
on, reach out. Your life is still worth living.
Vicki Minerva has lived
and worked in the
South County area as
a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35
years. Her education
includes a M.Div. degree
from Fuller Seminary and
a M.A. in Marriage,
Family Counseling from
Santa Clara University.
You can contact her at
408.848.8793 or visit
vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
74
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
MAY/JUNE 2017
gmhtoday.com